Abusive Relationships: Knowing the Warning Signs

Let's face it: Relationships can be amazing. No matter how much TV shows like Sex and the City try to glamorize the single life (and I'm not gonna lie—there are some obvious perks!), at the end of the day, everybody wants to be loved, cared for and occasionally taken to eat sushi at very expensive restaurants. Or, you know, at least half-price appetizers at Applebee's.

Finding someone who you actually like and who actually likes you back is a tremendous feat in and of itself. At the beginning of every relationship, when you're going through that googly-eyed, I've-absolutely-met-my-soulmate-no-doubt phase, all is good in the world. It seems that your partner, with his or her piercing blue eyes, impeccable style (okay, at least he showers and uses deodorant!), and killer smile that can completely make you forget (or at least, not care about) bombing your Art History exam, can do no wrong. They are, obviously, the peanut butter to your jelly, the Brad Pitt to your Angelina Jolie, and pretty much, you'd do anything to keep them.

But not everybody treats their partners with the respect that they deserve. Sometimes, a seemingly perfect relationship can turn sour. Insults replace compliments, bruises replaces kisses, and before you really know what's happening – you can find yourself in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. In fact, one in three women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood, according to the University of Oregon Counseling Center.

Warning signs that your partner may potentially become abusive:

He or she grew up witnessing an abusive relationship

He or she was abused as a child

He or she constantly breaks promises

Your girlfriends, family and other people in your life have warned you about this person

He or she is addicted to alcohol or any other drugs

He or she has a short fuse and gets really angry, really fast

Types of abuse

The word "abuse" generally conjures up images of physical violence, but there are other types of abuse, too – and all of them are equally damaging.

Emotional/mental abuse includes:

Extreme jealousy – Everybody gets jealous of their partner occasionally. It's hard not to find yourself seething when your beau is chatting up that drop-dead gorgeous, stick-thin blonde at a party. But if he or she demands that you stop seeing certain friends (or gets jealous when you spend time with your family), dressing a certain way (like telling you not to wear your favorite Forever 21 blouse just because it shows a little cleavage) or tries to control any other aspect of your life (what you eat, where you work, etc.), this is not normal behavior.

Insults and Constant Put Downs – There's a difference between playful name calling and emotionally damaging insults. If your partner constantly tells you you're stupid, ugly, fat, or makes you feel bad about yourself in any way, it's nor normal! Relationships are supposed to make you feel wonderful, fabulous, sexy and amazing – they should never make you question your self-worth.

Attempts to hinder your independence – Your partner should encourage you to grow, learn and achieve all that you can. If you come home elated about landing an internship at your dream company, your partner should be happy, too! If instead he or she attempts to belittle you, tells you that you don't deserve it or discourages you from accepting – this is a sure sign that they feel the need to control you – and being super-controlling is the main trait of an abusive partner.

Yelling and intimidation -- Sometimes, arguments between couples get a little heated. That's good – it shows that you're passionate about each other and the relationship. However, yelling shouldn't be a main staple of your relationship, and it shouldn't happen every time you two have an issue.

Destroying your personal property – Your partner should value and respect everything about you, including your favorite (if raggedy and somewhat disgusting) teddy bear you've had since you were ten or the dishes your mother so graciously gave you when you moved into your first apartment. Your partner should never break – or even threaten to break – items that are important to you.

Controlling your finances – Basically, unless you're married or have some other kind of joint financial agreement (which I would highly not recommend getting yourself involved in!), your partner shouldn't have any kind of control over your finances. They shouldn't tell you can't buy Nip/Tuck season four with your own hard-earned cash if that's what you want to do. They also shouldn't borrow without permission or steal money from you, no matter if they buy a gallon of milk or a bag of marijuana. This is just another way for your partner to gain control of your life – and ensure that you will stay in a relationship with them.

Cheating – Abusive partners need to be in control – and by cheating on you (and your forgiving them!) it shows that you can be taken advantage of and won't stand up for yourself when they do something wrong. They will do whatever they can to scare you into staying in the relationship, and by cheating and making you feel unworthy, they hope they can keep you around – if only because you feel you can't find anyone else. This is never true! There are millions of people in this world – and you don't need to be with someone who hurts you.

Threats of physical abuse – Even if they don't physically touch you, they should never threaten to harm you in any way. Physical abuse does not show passion or commitment – it shows a complete and utter lack of respect for you, your body and your mind.

Physical abuse includes:

Slapping

Punching

Biting

Demanding or forcing you to engage in sexual acts against your will

If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, take action!

No matter how much you think you love someone, the fact is that abusers don't change, at least not without extensive therapy. Abusive relationships take two – and if you can't get your partner to change, then you need to do yourself a favor and get out.

It's hard for people in abusive relationships to leave as they become used to the abuse. They feel trapped, they feel unlovable and they are brainwashed into thinking that they can't live without this other person. No matter how many ties you have to this person, remember that you can get out.

Before you completely remove yourself, start a support system. Call up those old friends your lover didn't want you talking to. Read self-help books about abusive relationships and learn what it means to be in one. Attempt to regain your independence first.

Then, you need to completely remove yourself from the situation. Move out if you share an apartment. Change your classes if you scheduled them together – or even near each other. Make new friends if you have mutual ones. Decide on a "safe place" – somewhere you go can where you partner can't find you and where you will be surrounded by people you trust. If you can't think of anywhere, get in touch with battered women's shelters in your area. Get a restraining order if you have to. In order to fully heal, you need this person out of your life for good.

Remember that the fault lies with the other person, and you should not feel guilty for leaving them. Physical and emotional abuse has no place in relationships.

Resources:

http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml

http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org

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