For More Fertile Soil: How I have changed since starting medical school

I cannot say that these last two years have changed me more than my four years of undergraduate school, but I can say that the last two years have changed me in a way I never could have predicted. Not all of it felt good, and not all of the changes are directly related to medical school. Furthermore, I am not even aware of all the changes that have occurred in me, but here is what I am certain of: *1. I speak differently.* The new terms I have accumulated probably amount to more words than I can understand in my parents' native language of Korean. I find myself slipping into medical jargon even during casual conversation with family or friends who are not necessarily connected to the medical field. At times the flaunting of my new language is ignored by loved ones, and at other times it is greeted with kind phrases such as, "You are a dork," or "Lord, she is such a medical student." *2. I write differently.* Despite constantly being told that we are in a marathon and not a sprint, medical school seems to whip past us while spraying forth information like projectile vomit. The speed at which information is given to us, forces us to find new ways to get information down more quickly. On top of that, doctors, beyond the spoken language, have also found ways to hide meanings in the way they abbreviate: h/o, HPSM, RRR, PERRL, HEENT, D/C, f/u. Apparently with the spoken language, I have also attained a new written language. *3. I think differently.* In the past, when people presented me with any problem, my immediate response would be a jump to the solution or advice. This has been the slowest to change. I have noticed myself, more and more, taking a step back and evaluating the why and the how before galloping off to the what-can-be-done. Medical school has shown me, more than all my years of education before it, how crucial the understanding of a problem is beyond the answer to the problem itself. This change has been the most difficult, academically, and the most rewarding. *4. I relate differently.* I have always had friends and family, but now with patients, a new kind of relationship has developed that excites and scares me to no end. The responsibilities are different and in some cases they are greater. The consequences can literally be life or death, and the rewards can be as great as those one receives from the closest of friendships and dearest of loved ones. I am more aware of my prejudices, weaknesses, and strengths when relating to patients, and this awareness has changed how I am in all other relationships. I have found myself wanting to be a kinder, truer, and better individual for my friends, loved ones, the gentleman who hands me my coffee at Borders, and the woman who asks me for directions on campus. This has been the most difficult change to endure, and I am the harshest critic of myself when it comes to this. I have become more aware of the little voice of judgement in my head, and with that awareness comes a new sense of shame as I try to shut that voice and see not with my eyes, my prejudices, and my cynicism, but with my logic, my intuition, and my heart. All of the changes listed above have been gains, but there have also been losses. There are perhaps other facts I have forgotten, memories that are not as clear, relationships that I have purposefully put aside, and relationships that I have inadvertently damaged. Somewhere amongst these changes I have also lost a sense of me. While these two years have made me more determined to become a doctor, paradoxically I have become less sure of who I am. Insecurities that I thought I had gotten over are creeping back up in medical school, and my determination to be a doctor has become juxtaposed with an unsteady feeling of who I have always been. This realization saddened me, but in some ways I can see how this is how it has to be. Medical school is an uprooting, the consequences of which are some feelings of insecurity and fear. The hope is that at the end of these four years we will finally be planted in more fertile soil with deeper roots, a new sense of who we are, and a confidence in who we have become. I need only to remind myself that I am half way there. delicious | digg | technorati
Email this page