Summer Chic Lit: Diary of a Breakup, Chapter 9

Want to get caught up on past entries in Jade's diary? Read chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.

Dear Diary,

It had been months since I had been kissed, and even longer if I think about the last time I had been kissed with any passion. I forgot kisses like those existed. Totally embarrassing that a young, sexy, intelligent woman would ever have to say that, but it is true. Justin and I barely kissed before the break up, not even during sex. I still received the normal peck on the lips that couples do when they are bored, and of course I got them more in public then when we were alone together. After all, the royal couple had to keep up appearances…what a joke.

Suddenly I started to feel ashamed. Why did I ever participate in his game of putting on romantic airs in public? Behind the closed door of our apartment we acted more like bickering roommates. Everyone thought we were this passionate, vibrant, sexy couple, always hugging and cooing. When we danced together we put on a show--hell every place was an opportunity to show off. If our adoring public only knew that 50-year-olds probably got it on more than we did. Was I that blinded by love that I was willing to accept his lackluster treatment of me? I guess I was.

Fortunately, that kiss with Tyriq awakened a part of me that had been asleep for far too long… a part that a 25-year-old woman should never admit to being asleep. A part that I had put to rest in order to continue on with Justin and the plateau that our relationship had descended to because I had thought low points are to be expected in relationships. One day we would get it back on track, right? Wrong, and since that part of me has been awakened, I can’t put it to rest again.

Until that kiss I was content to let that part of me stay on snooze mode even after the break up. It had been some time since I had been with anyone but Justin. True, I got my flirt on constantly. Towards the end I flirted more in a shallow attempt to boost my sagging self-esteem, but I could have never been with anyone other than Justin. I’m a one-man woman. I have never even had one jump-off or one night stand. Casual sex is not my bag. I like the security that a relationship brings. Until Ty kissed me, I couldn’t think about being with another man.

What about Ty? He had become so many things to me. He was my rock and I think I was becoming his. Through this storm of betrayal we were the only ones we could cling to. No one in the group truly knew how we felt because we were the ones that were involved romantically with Justin and Michelle. After recent events one thing was clear: the Magnificent Seven would never be the same. After that kiss, Ty and I may not be the same. Sleep finally found me even with my brain cluttered with thoughts.

After I drifted off I had the strangest dream. I dreamed that Justin had called me and told me swing by our old apartment. He wasn’t there when I arrived. I waited and he came through the door with two Victoria’s Secret bags in his hand. He was dressed in the same clothes that he had on when I first met him in Barnes and Noble. He hugged me and gave me one of the bags. In it was a black cotton sleep shirt. I found it odd because Justin loved for me to dress sexy. I smiled and thanked him. Then I reached out my hand for the other bag and asked if could I have it. He told me no and that the bag was for someone else. His face was as cold as the day he came for his car keys.

Then Michelle walked in and stood by his side. He gave her the bag. She smiled and pulled out a red lace bra and panties. She kissed him on the lips. I knew I had to be dreaming because at that moment I should have clobbered them, but instead I froze. Then she told him it was time to go. They turned, he put his hand around her waist, and they walked out. I woke up.

Since the break up I haven’t dreamed of Justin, in fact I hadn’t dreamed at all. Sometimes dreams mean something and other times they are as abstract as a Picasso painting. I didn’t know what to make of my dream. I didn’t know why I had dreamed it. All I knew was that I woke up that Sunday afternoon feeling strange. I showered, put on a pair of leggings and an oversized shirt, and watched cable in the family room. I didn’t call Denise, although she had called twice. Tyriq hadn’t called me and I hadn’t tried to call him. My thoughts were racing with what had happened in my driveway after the movie, and now I was pondering the meaning of my dream. Maybe I was freeing myself from Justin and accepting what was happening with him and Michelle. Maybe I was just reliving the betrayal of their newfound closeness but in another setting--dreams are funny like that.

My thoughts were interrupted by a call on my Sidekick. My ringtone was playing Beyonce’s "Beautiful Liar." It was Justin. I chose to ignore it. He called again. I looked at the display. Just when I was about to answer, his call went to voicemail. He didn’t leave a voice message. Instead he sent me a text. I read it: Jade, I will be sending you some papers I need for you to sign. I am canceling our joint bank account. Also I have canceled the card I gave you. I had the locks changed so please call me to arrange a time to pick up the rest of your things. Justin

I wasn’t shocked by what I read. I knew it was coming. My hopes for reconciliation were starting to fade even before Katrina had sent me the pictures. Once I actually saw them any slender fraction of hope I had died completely. I was pissed. He is only doing this to hurt me. I know him. The bastard had struck again. In this chess match it seems that Justin is always striking first and checkmating me. I didn’t want to keep the account open and I didn’t want the credit card. All I want is the perfect opportunity to crush him--I mean really destroy him.

As I thought more about the text I received, I began to think that maybe it is a good thing that he is playing his hand so quickly. By cutting the financial tie and changing the locks he has moved all his pawns. I already know about Michelle so there is nothing more he can do to me. Now would be the perfect time to strike, but how? I must ponder the perfect strategy.

Oddly enough, the more I thought about revenge, the more I thought about Ty. He once told me that if Michelle and Justin got together he would wish them all the best. Not me. I don’t like being played, especially by people I trust. That is where he and I differ, but he has become so important to me. I have always heard that things happen for a reason. Before I met Justin I was thinking of possibly changing schools and going to Rutgers. After all, who wants the out-of-state expense, and Rutgers is my mom’s alma mater. She was quite disappointed when I chose NYU. After I met Justin, Rutgers was definitely out the window. Besides, I am a city girl at heart.

All week long I flew very low under the radar. I went to work, came home, and that was it. It was the most time I had spent around my parents since I came home. I didn’t speak to them about my problems. It seemed we talked about everything else but that. I still wasn’t ready to talk to them about the break up, but being with my parents made me feel comforted and allowed my thoughts to wander. I spoke to everyone via text and kept my messages brief. “I’m just thinking about things,” was my response to everyone. If they tried to probe deeper I chose not to respond. I really did need time to think and didn’t want anyone influencing my thoughts. My mind was like a ping-pong table and my thoughts kept bouncing to two sides: revenge and fate.

Justin is the only man I ever truly loved. When I looked at him I saw my future. I saw kids, a place in Tribeca, barbecues with the family, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and two dogs…the whole gambit. I even saw us getting old and retiring down south. He massacred all of that for a tramp--a gold-digging tramp. I have no doubt she is with him for what he can do for her, that is just the way she is. I have to make him pay for the time he stole from me. I could have been with someone that would have wanted the same things I wanted and would’ve been faithful. However karma has a way of working. I may have had a mean shopping jones. I may be a bitch when I have PMS. I might even be flirty, but I didn’t deserve this by any stretch of the imagination.

Then my mind would switch up. Maybe all the events that have happened since I met Justin led up to this very moment. After all, I questioned my choice of NYU until Justin and I got together. We didn’t keep friends around with the exception of Skeeter, and then we began hanging with a group of friends. Michelle and Justin could’ve gravitated toward anybody else in the group, but they didn’t. Skeeter’s father has money too. Instead she set her sights on my man, and Justin did the same.

I remember when Ty first came to me with his gut feelings on their association. I scoffed at him. I told him he was paranoid. He was not and now we are gravitating toward each other. This can’t be. It just seems too twisted, and I can’t be involved in a couple swap. I mean I always wanted to do a reality show, but Wife Swap ain't one of them. I have made my decision. Whatever romantic feelings I have must be suppressed. We must maintain our honor, only if to show the others that we are better. We can never allow ourselves to get carried away again. Fate is one thing, but as humans we have free will. I choose to exercise mine.

Once my thoughts got lighter, I was able to feel much better about our Friday night date that was not a date. Too bad it took me all week to get to that point, but it be that way sometimes I guess. I told Denise I would take her out to dinner on Saturday to make up for being so non-responsive all week. I figured my week of brooding would make good dinner conversation. I told Ty that before the movie I would swing by his house to make him dinner. He had made me dinner, so now it was my turn. He was down for it--hell, what man is gonna turn down a home-cooked meal? I decided to make spaghetti. It is a quick dish to make and I make it extremely well. I made it for the group before when we had a one of our Sunday dinners and he went nuts for it. Definitely, spaghetti was the choice for the night.

I went to work looking extra cute. I wore a black halter-top, black pencil skirt and red belt along with my red platform shoes. My accessories were red. My lips were glossy with red. I felt like Carmen Jones. After work I picked up the groceries I needed to make dinner and bought one red rose. I broke the rose and put it in my hair. Like I said, I was the new millennium Carmen Jones. I showed up at Ty’s house with groceries in hand, a smile on my face, and a red rose resting on my right ear. He came to the door, saw me, and his caramel face lit up. He started laughing. We gave each other a huge hug. We had a glass of wine before I started dinner and talked about each other’s week. We never brought up the kissing incident. I guess if we don’t talk about it, then it never happened. I admit that it was not the most mature way to handle it, but I don’t think either of us knew how to bring it up.

We had another glass and I started dinner. The smell of the meat sauce permeated through out his apartment and he came in the kitchen to watch me. I told him dinner would be ready shortly and continued to stir my sauce. I saw out the corner of my eye that he was watching my waist. I smiled a little smile to myself, and continued to stir. He walked over, stood behind me, and placed his hands on my waist. He placed his lips close to the nape of my neck and whispered, “Can I help you with that.” I could feel his breath on my neck and it felt incredibly good. “No…I’m good”, I replied, meanwhile I was stirring sauce all over the walls, stove, and floor. He laughed and walked out the kitchen.

I turned off the stove and wiped up the sauce. I went in the living room to tell him dinner was ready. I sat down when I noticed that he was watching Finding Forrester. He had told me about his love for this movie once before. I had never seen it. I snuggled under him like a cat. We had two more glasses of wine. He started to kiss me on my neck and back. It felt really good, too good. I wanted to tell him to stop. I wanted to tell him that we had our morals and needed to stick to them. I wanted to say so many things, but I only heard moans coming out of my mouth. I was in a battle with my mind and my carnal desire. No shocker that my desire was winning since I hadn’t had any in months. In a last ditch effort my mind fought back. I reached out for the arm of his sofa and grabbed it for dear life. Frenzied I shouted, “I won’t let you break me!” I jumped up, ran to the bathroom like a bat out of hell, and closed the door.

I put the lid down on the toilet and sat with my head down. I was breathing heavy and was trying to get my bearings. I have taken a nosedive into the rabbit hole. His venom was in me deep. I felt it coursing through my veins. Who was I fooling? I’m done…. just put a fork in me. Resistance is futile, but I must think. What would become of us if we walk down this road? Are we no better than our ex-mates? But wasn’t it our ex-mates that brought us together in the first place? Was this just fate playing with us? As much as I didn’t want to do a couple swap, it seems a swap is in our future.

Before I could answer my questions, Ty knocked on the door. He asked to come in and I told him it was his house so why is he asking me. He laughed and entered. He apologized, and I told him it was fine. He asked me to leave. I obliged him, went in the living room, and sat down. Ten minutes later he called me back. I swear it was just like Sex In The City. He had run a candlelit bubble bath. I was speechless. He told me it was for me and that he wanted to relax me. He proceeded to take my clothes off, pick me up, and place me in the bath. The water was warm, sensuous, and inviting. He knelt down beside the tub and began to rub my back. Then he began to bathe me. I was in shock. No one had ever done this. He was treating me like the queen of Zemunda. Whatever doubts I had flew out the bathroom window. We are both adults. What the hell was I fighting? This felt too good to fight. I went over the edge with no bungee cord to snap me back.

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