Dealing With a Difficult Roommate

By Tracey Rector, Alumna of Indiana University - Purdue University Indianapolis

One of the most exciting aspects of college is moving into a dorm or apartment. It’s a new experience, especially when it’s the first time being out of your parents' house. Freedom!

But unfortunately, it’s not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies. Living on your own brings on a laundry list of new responsibilities such as bills, laundry, keeping the place clean, etc. Then, once you add a roommate or roommates into the mix, you have a whole different ball game.

I spoke with my friend Sarah*, who has had roommates for about eight years. Today, she is on good terms with almost all of them, but a majority of the living situations at the time were complete disasters. She shared her stories with me, as well as a couple tips on how to avoid some of the drama and complications that come up when living with others.
 

Never Room with Friends

"Don’t be roommates with your friends," Sarah said. "That’s the biggest take-home message. It never works out. People change, you change. It’s more of a partnership."

One of Sarah’s roommates was her friend Liz*, who she met in college. The first time around, it actually worked out very well. After a string of bad roommates, I’m sure living with Liz was a breath of fresh air. In fact, it went so well they decided to live together again years later.

But after a few years of living apart, there were definitely some changes. Sarah’s main focus is finishing her master's degree. And when she isn’t doing homework, she’s working. Liz wanted to party and go out a lot and it caused some clashing. Since neither one of them set any ground rules at the beginning, it made it incredibly hard and awkward — and when the situation was addressed after hitting the boiling point, things exploded.

"When a person is too comfortable with you, you probably shouldn’t live together," Sarah said.
 

Set Ground Rules at the Very Beginning

"Have you seen 'The Big Bang Theory?'" Sarah asked me.

"Yes, I have — I watch every once in awhile," I responded.

"Sheldon has the roommate agreement, he always uses like, 'We will only have pizza on Thursday.' It seems silly and really intense ... but it’s a very good idea."

By setting ground rules at the beginning of a living situation, you may be avoiding some serious conflicts. Consider your cleaning, sleeping and eating habits. Or maybe how often you go out or stay in. Once you live with a roommate, your lives will mesh and if you just discuss things at the very beginning and put things in writing (and follow it), it can help avoid serious issues.
 

Don’t Move In with a Friend ... and Their Friend

One semester, Sarah moved in with her friend Allison* and Allison’s friend, Melissa*. Sarah and Allison met in college, while Allison and Melissa had been friends since middle school.

For a while, things were great ... but then jealousy came into the picture. Melissa would get jealous when Allison would spend more time with Sarah. So when it became obvious, Sarah backed off and spent a little more time with other people and less with her roommates.

Think that would help the issue? Not really. Allison got jealous that Sarah was out so much — which created a situation of Sarah versus Allison and Melissa. To me, on the outside looking in, it sounds like Allison and Melissa ganged up on Sarah. It became an issue where everything Sarah did was wrong; such as she showered too long, left a crumb on the counter or walked down the hallway too loudly. Sarah ended up moving out of the house  but still paying for her share of the rent for the remainder of the lease.
 

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

You can create some sort of "roommate agreement," and can even learn each other’s living styles — but you have to make sure you communicate with your roommates.

When Sarah was living with Allison and Melissa, the two always left her notes on what they thought she was doing wrong — but never really said anything to her face. In my opinion, they could have been doing that to avoid in-person conflict or maybe they knew it was a way to get back at her. Who knows. But had they all three had a sit-down meeting, perhaps some issues could have been addressed.

Another one of Sarah’s situations, her first roommate, Stephanie*, had never lived on her own before (which is normal).

"She didn’t know how to clean. She had never been on her own before," Sarah said. "It was her first time away and first time doing laundry. She was really dependent on others."

It was just a really awkward and time-consuming roommate situation for Sarah, and toward the end of the semester, she emailed our group of friends about her frustrations.

One day Stephanie had done some snooping on Sarah’s computer and saw everything she said to us. Stephanie’s retaliation to what she saw was locking Sarah out of the room for the night, and it actually happened a few other times so she could be alone or with her boyfriend.

"It’s one thing to want their schedule and schedule around it," Sarah said. "It’s another when, 'You're not allowed in the room tonight.' That’s not cool. Talk about it beforehand and how we are going to approach it."

And when there is conflict, address it. But you have to look at the situation and not take it personally — which is hard for many girls to do, myself included. Things get nasty when it gets personal, so if you can look at a situation on the outside and just take it for what it is, it could avoid some issues.
 

Be Nice, But Don’t Put Yourself in Situations Where You Can Be Taken Advantage Of

Sarah had moved out of state for a few semesters for grad school and moved in with a group of girls. There was one more girl, Rebecca*, that needed housing but really wanted to get her own place. Rebecca never found anything so Sarah asked if she wanted to crash on their couch and even offered to knock $100 off the rent. Rebecca took her up on the offer, however, Rebecca never found a new place. Perhaps it may have been one thing if she was appreciative, but she actually tried to dictate everything the girls did and their living styles didn’t match.
 

Do Research, Be Smart and Be Respectful

When you have a roommate, you just have to realize you are sharing your life with someone. It’s different than a relationship because you have to make it function. If you room with a friend, there might be a high comfort level and if you room with someone you don’t know, you both may be afraid to talk to each other — but you have to communicate.

Sarah noted many schools offer the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which evaluates your personality. If you have the opportunity to take it when looking for a roommate, Sarah strongly advises it.

Just because someone is different than you doesn’t make either of you wrong — it just means you might not be compatible to live together. If you can avoid that from the beginning, it could be helpful long term. If you can make the situation pleasant, things can go really well. But when things go south, not only can you and the others get hurt, but also, some people take it to the legal system ... and no one wants that.
 

Final Summary:
• Take the Myers Briggs test (if possible)
• Avoid moving in with friends
• Create a signed roommate agreement at the very beginning
• Avoid living situations you think could be awkward in the future
• COMMUNICATE!
• Be respectful of the space and keep in mind you have to work with your roommate
 

*Indicates the name has been changed.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net